Thursday, October 1, 2009

Keep Stressing Out or Call Him Out?

In response to: this whole story is so complex, its like a years worth of drama and bullshit...(please bear with)essentially, this guy cannot commit to me, despite that we have been "toghether" (on and off) for a year and a half. Now, that he has graduated and living in another city, I thought I could move on, but he keeps popping back in my life. I can't even date other people because I am stuck on the prospect that there is still something between us. We still talk to eachotehr all the time, but only see eachother occasionaly (basically whenever he is town for gameday). But I do not know if he is feeding me lines or not. Is he just lonely because he is by himself and living in the real world? I dont know if he loves me or if he is selfish and does not me to be with someone else. Be brutally honest...


Brutal honesty is my forte'. Before I get into your two options (one option I see much stronger than the other, Option B), let me provide you with his rationale: CONVENIENCE!! From your story, I am presuming you are still in college stressing over tests, searching for jobs in a down economy, and then compile that with drama (that you are allowing to happen) to stress you out even more. So, in college you two were off and on. Right off the bat and from the tone of your message, this indicates to me "commitment"issues on his end or both throughout the relationship. Now that he is in another city, life has just become that much more easier for him. He can get by with "keeping you around" by various texts and phone calls to make it appear that he is still into you, but let's be serious here, he is having his cake and eating it to (remember the dumb sophmore in high school whose boyfriend went to college and she thought they were still "together"...with all due respect, you may be the dumb sophmore). He is living it up wherever he is, and when he comes back in town for gamedays (I am assuming you are in a college football town) he knows he has easy action waiting for him. I even bet his calls or text begin to increase as the days get closer.

Option A- It seems that you have developed some serious feelings for this guy. Let's face it you have kept him in your life for over a year and half, there has to be something about him you find intriguing. If you really do believe you see a future with this guy and could consider him a potential "life partner" you need to call him out on his sh*t. This means completely putting yourself out there and telling him how you feel. I know it's asking a lot out of you to do, but it is the only way to really know where you stand. If this approach is something new to you, take some time to collect your thoughts and really assess the situation, and if you do choose this option do it in person, if not over the phone. DO NOT TEXT...DO NOT TEXT. In perosn is the best because you will have had time to prepare, and you will get to see his reaction and body language. If this is not a viable option over the phone will suffice. Texting may complicate things because it hard to determine tone and message. Now, this may be like a brick hitting him over the head so DO NOT panic if he is flustered or cannot give you an answer on the spot. Remember, just as you had time to contemplate this choice, so should he, and the same courtesy should be given. Once again, I am strong believer in living life with no regrets, and believe me this option will leave you with none.

Option B- If you do not believe you can see yourself with this guy down the road and/or taking on Option A full on, then the only way for you to move on is a combination of two things. (1) you MUST cut off all communications with the guy, AND (2) time. By cutting off all communications with the guy until you moved on you are giving yourself an opportunity to move on and meet new people. While at first this may be tough, this cold turkey approach will allow you to explore all of the other options (fish in the sea) out there. Otherwise, everytime you answer a text, or return a call you are giving off the message to him there is still a chance to get some "convenience":) whether its physical, mental, and/or emotional, you have to demonstrate to him that you will no longer play that role in his life. The second element is time. Time is important because as corny as it sounds "time does heal all wounds", and in due time, when you know you are ready you can open up civil communications with the guy, whethere it be through FaceBook or you see him at an event. The concept of "time" will be different for everyone, so do not think there is a window that you must get over someone by, it is different for everyone.

Thank you for posting the first real-life scenario to this blog, and I hope this information will help you. Please feel free to post again and spread the word of this blog if you believe it was beneficial to read my response.

Have a great day!

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